This is an attempt to empty my mind and combat the restlessness and helplessness I continue to have on a daily basis. I am unable to sleep and am unable to focus on anything. I think part of this reason is the operating flaws and the hypocrisy that exist in everything from the government to news agencies. We are taught from a young age about right, wrong, just, unjust, and I was ill equipped to deal with the gravity of those fabrications. I must understand everything and since everything has a purpose it must have operational consistency. When it operates outside of its allowable parameters, it drives me bat shit crazy. The world is not what it seems and its actors are mostly self-serving liars. Is this really the best we can do?
I do not wish to be one thing, I aspire to be many. I first want to be compassionate and never dismissive of another. A caring and loving husband, a loving father, a loving son, a loving brother, and a loving friend. I have let down many, for that I am sorry. If my reckless behavior has hurt people in my past please know, I am him no more. I ask for forgiveness and understanding for my past and many mistakes. I seek knowledge to remove ignorance, and this knowledge to gain legitimacy. Through legitimacy, I aspire to have influence. With influence comes power. Power can change things for the better. Change to me, is progress and a goal humankind cannot afford to be without..
At one time my son looked at me and said, “Dad, when I grow up I want to be like you and help people, except I want to get paid to do it.”
When he made this statement, he was six years old. He already had a misleading thought of what it was to help people. He knew helping others and volunteering was a positive realization but its reward transcends one of monetary value, which he did not understand.
This world and all its negatives, has taken what is arguably the greatest feeling in the world and was able to perverse it. Of course, it was an innocent remark and laughable now. As I digested the words of an innocent child, it made me understand just how much power influence has.
From that point on, I sought to have influence. Before I was deserving of anything outside of myself, I had to have some very difficult conversations about who I was as a person. Unfortunately, he was not receptive of criticism and this created an internal conflict causing the death of one of my many demons. I continue to fight through all my negatives to be a fitting role model for my son. He deserves nothing but the best. These uncomfortable truths led to uncomfortable decisions. Some of which, led people to believe I am a worthless man and even a more worthless father. This may be so but it is very easy to speak down to a man who was barely able to stand. I know my faults and because I have finally recognized them, I am able to grow in spite of them.
Two individuals who pushed me to be the best, Dr. Carolyn P. Atkins and Barbara Griffin, I appreciate you more than you know. An awakening occurred within and I am striving to be the best me, because I found my purpose. Thank you for not only doing your job but for exceeding expectations in the academic world. WVU is extremely fortunate to have you both, as you are great assets!!!!
I have many heroes and most are women, not because men are not worthy but the difficulty of a man’s success compared to a woman’s is laughable. Now, I fear I may have upset my fellow conservatives by saying something that carries a liberal leaning idea, but before judgement is cast allow this experiment, MY BLOG, to enlighten you as my life experience has enlightened me.
To continue with my heroes, let me first name the men who I allow influence in my life. My father is probably the single most influential person in my life, immediately following is my mother but she and all others have another section which be further explained in my book entitled, “No One Wants To Fight A Naked Man” but I digress, as I like to hear myself speak, writing is its equal and unfortunate twin…
Thank you to=
My father, for the man he is, everything he taught me, and everything he will continue to teach me. I cannot say enough about the man he is. You have given many things but the most important to me is my capacity to care for others and to stand up for those who are voiceless. This guides me and will eventually put me where I belong. Thank you dad, as you are my best friend, my world, and probably the only other person who can ever truly understand who I am. I am a direct reflection of my father if you doubt this; try to disagree with either of us.
My brother is an American Hero. When I think of him, I cry. I cry because I am so very proud of him. I will never be as much of a man as he is. My country made my brother a killer and took his innocence. He is a war hardened man who no longer needs his big brother to stand up for him, and that hurts. At times, in our childhood, he needed this from me. I had to fight for my brother when I felt he was threatened. This of course never bothered me because I felt it as an honor, “For the value of a man’s family is far greater than any other”-My Father
My grandfathers. Both men had there flaws but were imperfectly perfect to me and I miss them both dearly. What hurts the most is the fact that they will never know the man I was able to grow into. I use them as a driving force, as bringing shame to their name, family would be a disappointment, and that is not an option.
All the men in the family. Most have served in the military and set a fine example for the rest of us. I just wish they would quit serving themselves as it has destroyed my mother.
I have a few friends that have stuck by me despite me being an asshole. I know I am a hard man to love and you deserve credit for staying with me as long as you did. These are a few important ones I cannot continue without naming.
Shaun Peterson without you my son would not have his father, you saved my life and for that I am forever grateful. It was an honor to serve with you in the United States Army. You and your entire family may not be blood, but will always enjoy the likeness of. Your name still irks me however and still hope one day you will spell it correctly…..
Nathan Pratt, you are the friend I wanted my entire childhood. I am equally grateful to you, as you and I have no secrets between us. I fear no criticism from you as it will always be what I need. I have been in a few extremely bloody fights and you having my back was always a relief, even though I can never tell if you are fucked up….
Chris Rosenberger, we have grown together as men, as fathers, as leaders, and as family. If I ever need anything, I know the hardest part would be to ask, as you would do without hesitation. No matter the competition, I know I am better.
Mathew Hall, as we have spoke of many times we are each other’s negatives. I am the white version of you and you the black version of me; however, neither of us see our skin flavor seeing only what we are and look to each other as brothers. Our deployments to Korea and Operation Iraqi Freedom led me to two conclusions. The first, I have been in physical altercations in four different countries. Each of these were of course not my fault and the receivers of the ass kicking were very deserving. The second, you are as crazy as I am and in a moment where your life is dependent on another, you always have a place beside me, as I know you would fight the Devil for me. Please know that is what I would do for you and your family. I will pray that neither of us have to cash in that truth as the pain I am willing to inflict on a living creature who hurts my loved ones has no limits. Right wrong or indifferent this is a promise…. You and I are from two totally different worlds and created a bond that will NEVER break.
Eric Burkel, you have influenced me and are a big part of who I am today. Thank you for all you have done and believing in me when I followed you around like a lost puppy. The work experience, life experience and friendship you gave me will be treasured forever. Thank you
A few others that have a special place in my heart; All my ARMY battle buddies-miss you everyday, Christopher Metheny, Rodney Chipps, Sharon Everly, Marguerite Horvath, Sam Kline, Dan Peterson, Nate Juhl, Kyler Bankhead, Nathan Evans, and many others but these few are atop my head…..
My mother, for being all she could be and doing PT in ARMY boots as she was 8 months pregnant. What a strong, capable, and empowered woman. I am lucky to have such an angel in my life. How’d ya do it ma? My dad is extremely lucky, as he is harder to deal with than me and she had to deal with us both… She was able to keep our family together and show us love at times when we were undeserving of. She blessed my father with three children, of course the first was probably enough…. We never had much but we had what we needed and what we needed was each other. Every night we had dinner at the table as a family and that made us the richest family in Pisgah.
Because my mother was such a great woman, it leaves very little doubt of the origins of her exceptionalism. My grandmother Leah Faye Royce was an absolutely terrific person and one who would give you the last dollar to her name, as she did for so many… I took her death very hard as it allowed me to finally understand the purpose of grandparents; they teach us what love is and how to love. She gave me more than I was deserving and would give it all back, plus more, just to hold her hand and hear her hum Amazing Grace again.
What an incredible blessing to have two siblings. These support systems have been there for me in my many, many times of need. I am in debt to them, which can never possibly be repaid. Without them my life would be empty. Because of them I have 5 additional lives that I must influence for the better. I call them, “My Shits”. Thank you for giving me added purpose in life. I look up to you two so much and without you I may have left this life earlier than anticipated.
Finally, a woman who is a product of all those who hold special places in my heart, my sister. She is the only person who believes in me no matter the situation. If I had a dream or goal she would never question it. She would say what can I do to help. We were cut from the same stone and everyone needs a rock like her. She has been pushing me to be a better person ever since I could remember. In doing so she was one who would not shy away from her criticism with me. If I was deserving of an ass kicking so be it. If I was deserving of a congratulatory hug, it also would come in the form of an ass kicking.
I have many other things to say and other people to speak of; however, this will have to be spoken of another time.
Be open and honest with everything and remember,
“Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing about”
~ some famous guy ~
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